15.12.11

Fuck You Cancer, one year later

Dear Cancer,

We've had quite a year, haven't we?

The year started out with my dad's surgery in January.  It was tough but my dad was tougher.  My brother came home from Korea for two weeks and the four of us gave you the Shin family beat down.  By March, the scars were healed and my dad was up and about. By April, he was taking walks around the neighbourhood and by May he was planting his garden in the backyard.  We thought we had you beat.

In June, you came back.

Maybe it wasn't exactly in June, you were probably there all along, hiding, giving us a false sense of security, but in June you made yourself known in the form of a tumour pushing against the sciatic nerve, giving my dad pain any time he sat down and all down his leg. More CTs, more doctors and by the end of July my dad was in for radiation and scheduled for Chemo.  And my brother was back from Korea for another 3 weeks.

Then came the septic shock in August.  Holy shit, I thought my dad was going to die right in front of my eyes.  We called 911 and it was off for a week in the hospital.  We finished off the radiation therapy and that left him too weak for chemo, so the doctor called it off.

By October, Tumour you had grown so large that you were interfering with other internal organs, and making it so uncomfortable for my dad to sit that he has to lay prone to be somewhat comfortable.  We were offered more surgery, but my dad said no thanks.  The surgery wouldn't remove the tumour, and his exact words were "I die if I don't get the surgery, I die if I get the surgery, so why get the surgery?"

That's where we are now Cancer.  December of what has been the worst year of our lives. Thursday of a week that started off in the Emergency at OT, a transfusion saved his life this time, but not sure what's next.   My dad survives on Oxycontin now, which I understand has a street value of many times what we pay for it at Shoppers.  Kids crush it and do it at parties.  My dad needs it to make each day bearable.

My brother coming from Korea again, this time to surprise my parents on Sunday for Christmas, but really because the doctor said "It may be a good time to call your brother." Either way, it's the best present we could give our parents.

You win Cancer.

But let me clarify.  My dad still gets up in the morning and smiles when I'm there.  He still talks about "when I feel better I'll....." and makes jokes about how my mom eats all the good food while he's sleeping.  My mom still listens to music while she makes him life the meals 5-7 times a day because he can only eat small portions.  She still encourages him and does everything with the same cheerfulness she has since my dad was diagnosed with cancer, years ago.   You'll never beat them.  Never.

You've beaten ME Cancer.  I have nothing left.  After a year of proving to me that it CAN get worse every single time I think it can't, it's like I'm the one with cancer now. You've broken my heart, Cancer.  And not in the Nashville country song way.

We haven't taken a photo in the last year.  I don't want to have anything to remind me of this year.    My dad is getting out-eaten by his picky vegetarian daughter at every meal. He's down to 130 pounds.

You are erasing my father.

I envy the people who lose their loved ones in a car accident or a heart attack.  ENVY. Shocking yes, but they don't have to watch them suffer.  SUFFER.  I would take shock over suffer.   Shock over the ache of watching them struggle every day with pain and watching every last dignity taken from them.  You recover from shock right?  Eventually?  Do you recover from watching your loved ones SUFFER?  Or does that get imprinted on your soul for you to carry forever?

I'm tired of putting on a brave face.  Of telling people my dad is "okay" because it's easier than telling them the truth - the truth is awkward, and it's ugly and it's cruel.  The truth makes me cry.

The correct thing to say, the thing that people want to hear is - I'm fighting, I haven't given up, I feel POSITIVE.   But the truth is I don't feel anything of those things.

The truth is I'm exhausted.  I'm sad.  I'm bitter.  The truth is I smile for my dad and my mom, but inside I have cancer.

Fuck you Cancer.

Regards,
Moo Young Shin's Daughter

10.10.11

All the fun of cooking....with none of the cleaning.....

Last weekend we were lucky enough to be invited to a B&B cooking class experience in Guelph with 4 other couples at the Everton Academy of Culinary Arts.

Chef Dale Everton demonstrating something, not sure what.
If you are ever look for a fun overnight activity to do with a bunch of your friends, definitely consider checking this out.  The Everton Academy is set up in a huge house just west of Guelph (not sure exactly if that is accurate, once we're outside of city limits I get all mixed up), with a huge teaching kitchen.  Upstairs there are 4 bedrooms with 5 beds, so perfect for 5 couples if two couples don't mind sharing a room).

We got there around 6 o'clock on Saturday, unloaded our overnight bags and chilled out with a glass of wine (it's BYOB).  Then we all gathered in the kitchen and Chef Dale set about starting us out on dinner.  Here's our menu:

Sweet Potato Fries
Tuscan white bean dip
Grilled eggplant bruschetta
Rare beef tenderloin with goat cheese
Calamari
Gnocchi with brown butter and sage
Baby arugala and oranges
Paella
Zabaglione
Please excuse the quality of the pictures, they are from my iphone.
This is Dave chopping up some sweet potato fries.
Dale would show us how to make something off the list and then one or two people would be in charge of that menu item.  Pretty soon we were all working on something.  And as certain appetizers were finished we would be eating and chatting while other things were being prepared.  It was really super casual and fun.  When the main course was done we went into the huge dining room and enjoyed a fantastic meal, although I have to say, we were pretty full from all the yummy appetizers.  I should come clean here though, much as we all pitched in, Dale and his assistant do most of the work, and while we were eating dinner, they put together a lovely dessert that topped off a delicious meal.  And he put in some extra work cooking a separate meal for the gluten-free vegan (me).


After dinner, Dale adjourns to his home next to the B&B and you have the whole house to yourselves.  We had a roaring fire going in the fire place and we all sat around enjoying some post meal drinks and great company.


We woke up the next morning to a breakfast of waffles with blueberry coulis, bacon, and hashbrowns.  I don't know what more you could ask for in a weekend getaway.


I would highly recommend this to anyone looking for something different to do on the weekend with a few of your friends.  Dale is totally laid back, very knowledgeable, and really make the learning experience a great one.  AND you can stop into Chudleigh's Apple farm on the way home for some apples and pie.

11.9.11

10 years ago today.....

I remember a day that started like any other.

When you work on a trading floor, your day starts early, so we had already been at work for at least two hours when suddenly Linda Park on our FX desk yelled out "SOMETHING JUST HAPPENED AT THE WORLD TRADE CENTRE".   Linda worked pretty far from where I sat and I had never heard her voice over the general work buzz up to that point in the full year I had been working there.

I remember every single tv screen on the floor suddenly, almost magically, showing the smoking North Tower.

I remember thinking "What the fuck is going on?"  I remember asking "What's going on?" (after only a year there I was too shy to swear) and getting the answer "No one fucking knows."

I remember for once the phones were silent on the trading floor.  For once EVERYONE was silent on the trading floor.  Standing and looking at the televisions.

I remember seeing the explosion when the second plane hit.  And the audible sound of hundreds of people gasping at once in a room the size of a football field (well smaller, but you get what I mean).  Because of the camera angle, I don't think we saw the actual plane hit, just the explosion.  The news informs us what happened.

I remember at some point overhearing someone say quietly "Barkway is there."

I remember seeing the first tower collapse.  I remember thinking it was a movie, the news teams were showing clips of a movie, what would happen if the towers collapsed.  But it was real.   I had just seen one of the twin towers collapse.  And half an hour later, as if to emphasis that this is real, the second tower collapsed.

I remember crying.  I think I was the only person in my immediate area that was crying.  And when one of my clients called and I picked up the phone I was crying.

"What's wrong?" Hermenia asked after hearing my voice "Are you okay?"  I knew in her office she wouldn't have had a television so she obviously didn't know.

"The world trade centre collapsed, the buildings are gone," I told her through sobs.

"Oh My God.  Let me call you back."  She didn't call back.

I remember Mike Fisher yelling "GO HOME.  EVERYONE GO HOME.  THIS DAY IS OVER."  and then adding for emphasis "EVERYONE GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE."  I will remember that until the day I die.  "Everyone get the fuck out of here" indeed.

I remember passing people on my way home to the subway, on the subway, on my walk home from the subway.   People who didn't know what had happened.  People who didn't know the world had changed.  People who wouldn't know until someone said to them "Hey did you hear what happened?".  That someone would not be me.  I walked home shellshocked.  As soon as I got home I called my cousin Judy in New York and could not get through.  I tried once every half hour, as I watched the news on my cable-less tv.  Around two o'clock Judy called me, the phone rang twice to indicate long distance and I remember thinking "Thank God" before I picked up the phone.  "Did you hear what happened?" is the first thing she said.  "Where is everyone?" is the first thing I said, meaning her brother, her mom and dad.  Fine, everyone was fine.

The following weeks, everything is a blur to me now.  News and more news.  Families looking for their loved ones, holding on to hope, posting flyers - the flyers break my heart.  A casualty count that only got larger.   A funeral for a wonderful colleague lost, a proud husband and father with another baby on the way.

We learned about true evil on September 11, 2001.  But out of the tragedy, came stories, many many stories, of bravery, of selflessness, of kindness.  People who sacrificed their own lives to try and save strangers,  who carried people out of wreckage on their backs, people who worked around the clock in the aftermath in the hopes of finding survivors.

On a day we learned about the worst humanity had to offer, we learned about the very best that humans are capable of.  The true definition of hero came out of the rubble of that day.  I still read new stories that bring tears to my eyes - 10 years later, there are still stories to be told.

I remember.

5.9.11

The other New Year's day....

Maybe it's because we're programmed with the first day of school in our formative years, but Labour Day always feels more like a New Year's day to me than January 1.  Maybe because through 18 or so years of education, Labour Day always signaled a new beginning, new teachers, new classes, new notebooks, a time when you couldn't be behind on anything yet because you hadn't started yet.   And though I haven't been in school for many years, it still signals the "real" end of summer (really September 21?  You are the end of summer in name only.)

Dave had to work today so I had the day to myself.  I didn't do much.  I watched 3 movies Definitely Maybe (which i had seen before but didn't realize I had until about midway through, obviously not a great movie), The Town (pretty decent), and Love Actually (an older movie I never saw but was pretty good) all while knitting these:

The pattern for these can be found here

Yes I know it's September.   Here's the thing.  Dave and I have never really done that much for Christmas.  Once we had a New Year's party and when people came over they were like "Um, where's Christmas?" - because we did not have one decoration up.  It literally could have been July, that's how bare our house was.  Truthfully, not to be a grinch, but I think Christmas is for kids.  As it has just been Dave and I, it hasn't been necessary to go through the whole tree/decoration thing in my eyes.

This year however, our nephews from NJ are going to be coming up for Christmas so that changes everything.  Hudson will be almost 3, kind of the magic number for Christmas don't you think?  Plus, I gotta make Canada Christmas as good as American Christmas in his eyes, so I feel like a have a responsibility to my country to make sure Hudson doesn't go home thinking Canada Christmas sucks.  Jonah is going to be 14 months, so I'm not worried about impressing him.  I think the wrapping paper from Hudson's presents should suffice.  Seriously if you've ever seen Jonah, he gets all happy and smiley if you even look vaguely in his direction - you don't even have to look directly at him.

So Dave and I are going to have a tree for the first time.  Never had my own tree.  It will likely be the fake one from my parent's house.  I don't see the point of cutting down a tree (yeah yeah, pine tree smell whatever whatever), and yes, I realize making a fake tree is probably equally harmful to the environment to produce.  But as I am using a tree that my parents already own (and won't be using - see, I come by my feelings for Christmas honestly), I feel fine about it.  I've always said when I had my own tree, I want only handmade ornaments on it.  Not counting the lights.  And the candy canes.  Hence, the Christmas crafting Labour day.  So far our tree will be barely not naked.  But it's only September right?

Any suggestions for handmade ornaments?  Leave me a message with any links.  No suggestions using pasta pieces, ok?

20.8.11

out with the old....

My first "single girl with her own apartment" purchase

Dave and I are getting our kitchen/family room renovated and this week we had to do some purging and cleaning and this included getting rid of some furniture.  This was all furniture from our old apartment that made the move with us to where we live now.  Stuff that I had bought many years ago when my roommate moved out, all the furniture was hers and I was left with an empty apartment to fill.

It was an exciting time in my life.  I was single, living in the city, I had just started my dream job and had my own apartment for the first time in my life.  Kind of like Sex in the City, minus the sex and all the fabulous clothes and shoes.

The couch above was my first major purchase as an adult on my own.  At $800 was the most expensive thing I had ever bought up to that point in my life (if only that were still true!).   I spent evenings and weekends hunting for the "perfect couch".  It was like a real quest, my co-workers got involved, giving me advice on what to look for and where to go.  "So did you get a couch yet?" was the first thing I was asked every Monday morning.  It took me so long at one point someone commented "Holy shit, just buy a fucking couch already."  I should mention that I worked on a trading floor, where a) people bought their kids ponies for Christmas, so watching someone drag their heels on a $800 purchase was probably a bit irritating for them and b) people used very bad language but not always in a mean way.  Anyway, when I finally bought that couch it was more like a collective triumph than a personal one.

My one regret about that couch was that for an extra $100 they would have converted it into a fold out bed, but I didn't have an extra $100 at the time.  Over the years many many friends have spent the night on that couch, that $100 really would have been well spent, probably like $1 per stay.   But I was always a responsible spender and I felt like I couldn't afford it.  If I knew at the time that one day I would be dropping $100 on vitamins at the naturopath on almost a weekly basis, or on a single trip to Whole Foods to buy some gluten free bread and dairy free cheese, I think it would have put it all in perspective, but sorry friends, I had no such foresight.

Yes, it is just a couch.  Just a piece of furniture.  But in a way, getting rid of that couch kind of symbolizes a tangible good bye to that time in my life when I made decisions on my own, scrimped and saved for the things I needed (actually needed not wanted), when every purchase felt "major".  It's not that I don't love the life I have now.  It's recognizing that I had to go through all that, to get to this, and that all that is a time you can never go back to.

Where did the couch go you might ask.  Thank you for asking.  We found a wonderful organization in Toronto called the Furniture Bank.  They collect gently used furniture and household items and transfer them to women escaping violence, refugees, new immigrants, and people transitioning out of homelessness.   These individuals or families are referred to the Furniture Bank by registered agencies and shelters and they can go in and "shop" for furnishings for their homes.  Everything is given to them at no charge.  

So the couch that symbolized a big transition in my life, now will do the same for someone else.


9.8.11

so little and then so much.....

What?  August already?  Second week of August even!

No posting for a while because at first, nothing was really going on....nothing worth posting anyways....just the regular hum drum stuff....work, eat, sleep, repeat.

Then all of a sudden too much was happening.  And all at once.  I can't get into it all really because some of it really sucked and I don't have the energy to go through it all at the moment.

One thing of note is that I've started seeing a naturopath.  And she discovered that I have some food intolerances - to gluten, eggs, and dairy and recommended that I cut all three out of my diet.  And for those of you who know me, you know that I've been a vegetarian for almost 20 years now.  So I have now effectively become a vegan and pretty much the worst dinner guest ever.  Or the best because I think I'm just going to start brown bagging it to dinner parties.

Gluten is in EVERYTHING.  For instance soy sauce should actually be called Wheat sauce, because if you've ever read the ingredients, they go in this order "water, wheat, soy.....".  I know - who knew?

So it's been about two months and to be honest, I do feel better.  How better?  I can't explain, but I just feel better.   That is, when I'm not effing starving.  No gluten, eggs, or dairy effectively means no baked goods.  No cupcakes, cookies, banana bread, pie...I think you get the picture.  It has really cut down on my extra-curricular eating.  Like do you ever just buy yourself something to eat when you are at the mall, just for the sake of eating?  For me it was always a pretzel or some kind of baked snack.  Now there is pretty much next to nothing for me to eat at your average mall food court.  Which I guess is not a bad thing.

from projectwedding.com
I don't know what would happen if you put those in front of my face right now.  Like if I would even bother using my hands or if I would just smash my whole face into that plate mouth wide open.

And cheeeeeese....I want cheese.  Brie, parmesan, chedder, omg I'll even take disgusting Velveeta.

Okay enough, this post is just making me sad.

I discovered Bunners on the internet today and I can't wait to get over to the junction to check it out.  It is a gluten-free vegan bakery and the reviews are fantastic.  I'll let you know.  Although if you were to put frosting on a potato right now I would probably savour every bite.


3.5.11

Why none of my clothes are fitting me right now.....

My friend Jen and I wanted to do something to raise money for the Red Cross specifically for the Japan Earthquake/Asia Pacific Tsunami efforts.  And because Jen is such a great baker and I am not, we decided to have an Easter bake sale.

The first point of business was finding the perfect location.  We needed lots of customers.  Hungry customers.  We thought about churches (neither of us belong to a church so that was a no).  We were thinking about my office which was a possibility.  But we put the request in first at Jen's "office" which just happens to be Pearson Airport.  You see when she is not baking, Jen is a flight attendant for Air Canada.  In fact, many people probably don't know this about me, but I was a flight attendant for Air Canada for one summer right out of university.  That's how Jen and I met, on the first day of training.  I'm not sure why but when she walked into the class I practically yelled "Come sit next to ME!" And she's not sure why, but she did.  The rest, as they say, is history.

Anyway, Jen was able to get us permission to sell in the Air Canada employee area.  Over the course of a day, there are probably hundreds of flight attendants, pilots, ramp attendants and ticket/gate agents that pass through the area so we had the perfect customer base for our sale.

Most of the baking was done by Jen over 2 weeks.  I was able to help out on weekends but unfortunately Jen and I live really far apart.  But maybe it is fortunate, any closer and I'd be over at her house begging for cookies on a daily basis.  Just the weekends of tasting and more tasting has made me the opposite of ready for summer clothes.  I'll still be wearing my fat winter sweaters in July thanks to this sale.


Baking, packaging, transporting.  A lot goes into a bake sale.  The day of the sale was pretty exciting.  We were up at 5am and at the airport setting up by 6.  Jen's husband Mike and two lovely employees of Air Canada Carin and Mike helped us set everything up.



I wish we had more pictures, but we were too busy selling to take very many!  Jen has some more on her blog post here.  We had planned to sell from 7am to 3pm but by 12:30 we had sold out of everything!  People were so generous and kind.  Jen and I agonized over pricing, which is funny because many people told us to keep the change, or would just give us an extra $5 for the cause.  One woman came by and told us "I gave up sweets for Lent, but I just want to give you this", and handed us $20.

Doing something like this reminds you of the kindness of people.

At the end of the day we had raise $1461 for the Canadian Red Cross.

Dave contributed to this total by selling $100 worth of cookies at his office for us.

Many thanks to:

Carin Brown and Mike Trauzzi
The employees of Air Canada for their support as well as our friends and families
Dave's co-workers at RBC
Jen's mom, Paty
Jen's husband, Mike
Dave

Not to brag, but I'm pretty proud of Jen and myself.  I guess that is bragging.
Oh well.

1.4.11

Proof that persistence pays off

Ever since I first used a serger at the workroom, several years ago now, I knew I had to have one.  Well, maybe I should back this up a bit.  The first time I ever tried using a sewing machine was at the workroom.  I took a beginner sewing class with Karyn who is pretty much my crafty idol, and she taught us how to use a sewing machine and make a pillow case.  Since then I've taken a few more classes with her and also became the proud owner of my own sewing machine a Bernina Activa 230 which I love love love.

In one of those classes I was introduced to the serger.  Having never used one before I was amazed by how it neatened up all your work and made it very professional looking.  I had to have one.  No matter that I didn't actually NEED one and the one that I wanted was well over $1000.  I just started telling Dave that I had to have it.  It didn't really help that I couldn't really describe what it does..."you know, makes all your sewing better"  "How?"  "you know, by making it all neat and stuff".

It actually just started to become like when I would ask my parents for a puppy when I was younger.  Kind of like second nature, almost absentminded.  "So are we going to get my serger today?" "no" " Oh, tomorrow then?".  Maybe not daily, but on at least a bi-weekly basis, I would ask about the delivery status of my serger.

Well this year for Christmas:  Tah Dah!  Someone (Dave) got tired of someone else (me) asking for a serger all the time.  Look at the new addition to the squirrel's workshop:

Bernina 1150MDA

Don't they look lovely together?  Both were purchased from Karyn at the workroom.

I don't really know how to thread it yet, or do most of the stitches or anything with it, but that's not the point.  It's mine.  I kind of have the best husband ever.  And the lag time on getting what I want is only about two years or so....so by 2013, I should be getting that diamond tiara I've started asking for.

I'm taking a t-shirt making class at the workroom in May, so that serger will be seeing some t-shirt making action then.

In other news, I got all the supplies for my next knitting project in the mail today:


I know.  Dave says that being married to me is like being married to a 60 year old.  

I'm pretty sure he means that in a good way.

17.3.11

Heavy Heart

It's been almost a week since Japan was hit by one of the largest earthquakes ever recorded.  Followed by the tsunami.  And now the uncertain nuclear situation.  Of course it is snowing, to compound the misery of the rescue workers and all the people without power, food, and any kind of comfort.  And throughout it all the Japanese people remain calm, kind, dignified.

I feel like we were just there experiencing the kindness and hospitality of the people of Japan.  And since we've returned, when I think of vacations, I can only think of going back to Japan. It hurts my heart to see all the devastating photos and footage that have come out in the past 6 days.

Something that helps is to see how ordinary people rally to try and help.  For instance go to etsy.com and type in the word Japan, and you will get a list that if you dig you will find people donating a portion of their sales to Japan relief.  These are not huge conglomerates, just small business owners doing what they can.

I bought this from such a person from her shop on etsy:


The picture is called Thinking of Home, and the artist Naoko Stoop is originally from Tokyo, Japan now living in Brooklyn, NY.  There is something so sweet and wistful about the picture, it reminds me of being homesick when I lived in England.  The picture is $20 with $10 going to the Red Cross Japan.  While there browse her other pictures, all will take you back to being a kid and the wonderful ways you would fill the hours of the day.

Japan, I can't stop thinking about you.  Thank you for teaching the world a lesson about grace in the face of disaster.

1.3.11

I wish this was MY name.....

MACKIE MAKAPANPAN.

OMG I can't stop saying it.  I think it's spelled with a C but I have deliberately misspelled it so that if he/she googles him/herself, it won't lead him/her to my blog, and thereby leading me to be fired, as I came across this person's name in the line of work last week.  Not that I should be fired for loving a name so much.  I just worry that this post may be construed as sarcastic and that said person might think that by saying I LOVE his/her name, I am actually saying I DO NOT love it.  But I DO love it.  Man I wish it were my name.

If it were my name, I could name my blog MackieMakapanpan.com and start a Mackie Makapanpan Empire.  I don't know what that empire would consist of, but it would be awesome.

But since it's too late for me,  after work that day I asked Dave if we ever have a kid if we could name him/her Mackie Makapanpan Mun.  He said no.  So then I asked how about just Mackie Mun.  He said WHAT THE...NO.  I said but it's my DREAM to name my kid Mackie Makapanpan Mun, and he said how can it be your dream, you never even heard of that name until today.  

Well, guess what smarty-pants.  If we have a kid I get a year off for maternity leave.  SO, you might think your kid's name is Dave or Ashley or whatever "normal" name you come up with.  But all day long while you're at work, I'm going to be calling our kid by his/her SECRET REAL name--Mackie Makapanpan (Mun).  And you'll be wondering why he/she never turns around when you call him/her by what you THINK is his/her name.

I win (again).

24.2.11

Sometimes when I should be working...

I have email conversations like this with my friends....

________________________________________

From: Alison Choi
Sent: Thursday, February 24, 2011 3:51 PM
To: Shin, Sue Jean
Subject: Re: Re:

OMG - I just saw a HUGE RAT RUN ACROSS IN FRONT OF ME. I THINK I'M GOING TO PASS OUT

From: Shin, Sue Jean
To: Alison Choi
Sent: Thu Feb 24 15:54:45 2011
Subject: RE: Re:

OMG GET OUT OF CHINA TOWN.

Sue Jean Shin CFA
Underwriter
Executive Liability Canada

From: Alison Choi
Sent: Thursday, February 24, 2011 3:57 PM
To: Shin, Sue Jean
Subject: Re: Re:

I just saw it as I was FINISHING EATING IN A RESTAURANT


From: Shin, Sue Jean
To: Alison Choi
Sent: Thu Feb 24 15:59:10 2011
Subject: RE: Re:

I don’t endorse bulimia but go stick your fingers down your throat in the bathroom…..OMG not the bathroom in that restaurant though….OMG why are you eating in a restaurant in China town????

Sue Jean Shin CFA
Underwriter
Executive Liability Canada

From: Alison Choi
Sent: Thursday, February 24, 2011 4:17 PM
To: Shin, Sue Jean
Subject: Re: Re:

I WANT TO MOVE TO ANOTHER CITY. I NEED THERAPY.

From: Shin, Sue Jean
Sent: Thursday, February 24, 2011 4:18 PM
To: 'Alison Choi'
Subject: RE: Re:

GO GET PIE

Sue Jean Shin CFA
Underwriter
Executive Liability Canada

21.2.11

If I could, I would do it for you, would you do it for me?

I used to do it regularly, but I can't anymore.

I used to donate blood every three months.  I did this for around 3 years I think.  Then, I can't remember what year it was, 1999 or 2000, I think,  when Canadian blood services implemented a rule that you can't give blood if you lived for 3 months or more in the UK during a certain time period.  I did my masters degree in the UK and lived there for 10 months.  I would send Dave as my proxy, and let them tap his veins but he also lived in the UK for 5 months for a work placement.  So it totally sucks that neither of us are eligible.

I'm a very squeamish person in general, but I really felt like blood donation was something everyone who could should do, even if it's just once ever.  I would come out of the clinic and feel great and slightly superior to the people I passed on the street.  "I saved a life today, what have YOU done?".

In Canada, it's really easy to donate, you set up an appointment at one of the 41 permanent collection sites that the Canadian Blood Services operates.  Before you do that it's a good idea to see if you are eligible to donate here.  There is also a page that gives you an idea of what to expect.    It barely hurts when they put the needle in and from there you just wait for your bag to fill.  I was always on the slow side, some of the bigger guys would be done in like 20 minutes.  From start to finish, including questionnaire, hemoglobin check and donation, we're talking about an hour.  AND they give you cookies and a sugary drink like Tang afterwards.  YUM!  I'm not sure what the procedure is in the US but you can find the information here.

During my dad's surgery, he needed 2 units of blood and he needed another 2 units while he was in the ICU.  I'm very grateful to all the people who made those donations which helped save my father's life.  And I like to think that the donations that I made in the past helped to save someone else's parent or child or grandparent or friend.

Will you think about donating?  You would want it to be available if someone you loved needed it.

Leave me a message if you have any questions.  It's been a while since I've been able to do it, but I'll try and find you the answer if I don't know it.

6.2.11

Was it the prayers or the swears?

How to summarize the last two and a half weeks.....

It sucked.  And then it got better.

After the surgery my dad was in the ICU for 3 days, hooked up to bunch of machines, he had 4 or 5 IV needles in his arm, giving him blood, drugs and whatever they give you when you're not eating.   My mom and I would stay in the room during the day and have a mini heart attack whenever the machines would start beeping.  It was pretty scary, my dad was really weak and in so much pain after the surgery.  But by the 3rd day, he was eating regular food (well hospital food) and able to sit up, and moved to the regular ward.  And from there he could slowly get out of bed and sit up in a chair on his own (doesn't sound like much but it was a big deal).  When he could get up and walk a little on his own, we were able to go home and it was exactly a week from his surgery.

Now he is at home and a nurse comes by twice a week.  He still has to take painkillers but he is mobile and getting better, and getting adjusted to the new him.

Things I've learned in the past couple of weeks:
  • hospitals smell
  • I think they put bleach in the hand soap
  • some nurses are super nice and some nurses are super mean, most fall in the middle where they kind of don't give a shit
  • living with no internet at my parents house is like living in the land before time
  • after almost a week with no television or outside news, I turned on the TV and the first thing I found out was that Oprah has a half sister
  • doctors do have crazy bad handwriting--at our last appointment with my dad's doctor he handed me a piece of paper with some scribble scrabble on it:
    • DR:  Give this note to the nurse the next time she comes to see your dad
    • Me:  Sure, what should I tell her it says?

Thank you again to everyone.  I don't know if it was the prayers or the swears but it looks like we are on the road to being cancer survivors.

Take that Cancer.

18.1.11

Time flies when you dread tomorrow....

I wish I could freeze time.  Then Thursday would never come, it would just be Tuesday forever.

Why is it that time drags when you are waiting for something good, like the end of the work day, the weekend, or a vacation and then time flies when there is something awful in wings, like an exam, a root canal, and when your dad has to has to have his bladder removed.  

Things I've been thinking about the last few weeks when I haven't been able to sleep at night:

- Running away with my dad, changing our names and hiding out somewhere in South America where Cancer can't find us.  Like witness protection.  Sending word to my mom and Dave when the coast is clear and my dad is safe.

- Wishing Cancer was a person so I could kick the shit out of him.  I only say him because I don't think I could kick the shit out of a woman.  It would probably be easier, but it just seems rude somehow.  Having never kicked the shit out of anyone before, I'd probably have to train.  I think I'd ask Georges St. Pierre to train me.  I know he's busy doing his own man-grappling training, but I think if I told him I wanted to beat up Cancer he'd probably help me.

- Making mental lists of people who deserve to have cancer more than my dad.  Murderers, rapists, pedophiles, Kim Jong Il.  I know, I get it, life is not fair.

- Logan from Veronica Mars.

Thank you for all your messages, phones calls and emails.   Your words of encouragement and support have come at a time when I have felt more afraid, sad and desperate than I ever have.  

If you pray, please pray for my dad.
If you hope, please keep your fingers crossed.
If you speak, say Fuck you Cancer once out loud preferably where someone else can hear you.  That's for me.  I like swearing and I hate Cancer.  Trust me, it will make me feel better.

Okay.  See you on the other side.

9.1.11

Veronica Mars


So I'm a bit behind, this show was on from 2004 - 2007 but I just got all three seasons of the show about 2 weeks ago.  Since then my life has been Veronica Mars, all waking hours, 64 episodes.  Seriously, I'm talking every waking moment that was not spent at work.  Good thing we don't have any kids or pet fish because I surely would have forgotten to feed them.

The first two seasons focus on solving a big mystery over the course of 22 episodes, while solving a smaller one during each episode and I think that's why the show never got the traction it should have.  If you missed an episode, you would be lost on the clues to the big mystery.  The third season dropped the big mystery arc, and focused on the smaller ones.

I can't say exactly why I love this show so much.  The characters are smart and interesting.  The dialogue is hilarious. The plot lines are engaging but sometimes maybe a little more tangled then they had to be.  In both seasons 1-2, I was totally surprised by "whodunit".

I think the one thing I have to say really impressed me is that there is one character that I really loathed at the beginning of season one, and then, I can't pinpoint exactly where it happened, maybe midway through the season, I totally fell in love with (if you've watched you know who I'm talking about, and if you haven't you have to watch to see what I mean).  And when I say impressed, it's that the writers were able to take me from one point to the other without me realizing it was happening until I was there.

Kristen Bell is so super cute its ridiculous.  She really makes the show worth watching (her and aforementioned character I love).

Anyways, it's too late to join in the letter writing campaign to save the show, it was cancelled after the 3rd season which is very bittering as it left a lot of loose ends.  The show creator said that the decision to cancel the show wasn't made until the after the last episode was shot and although they knew it could happen they didn't want to tie everything up neatly in a bow to make the show easier to cancel.  You know when you watch a movie on the plane but the plane lands when there are 15 minutes left?  That's how I feel after my 2 week Veronica Mars marathon.  BUT I still think everyone should watch this show.  There has been talk of a movie which would be amazing.  In fact Warner Brothers have set up an email where you can send your requests VeronicaMarsMovie@warnerbros.com.  I will be sending them an email soon.  Yes, I'm a dork.  FYI, I love dorks.  FYI, I don't think Dave likes it when I say that.  Because if I love dorks and I love him then maybe A=B and he is a dork.

This Youtube video is really funny.  Chris Lowell doesn't join the show until the 3rd season in case you are confused as to who is is.