Dave and I watched the movie 50/50 last weekend.   I wouldn't say it was a comedy as much as it is a drama with comedic undertones.  It stars Joseph Gordon Levitt, who I love and Seth Rogan, who I like enough.  And for those that don't know the movie is about how Levitt's character Adam and his best friend Kyle deal with Adam's diagnosis of cancer.

This movie is very different from the situation that my family is in.  Adam is young 27 years old, with his whole life ahead of him.  My dad has lived, what can be considered a long life.  Adam is given a prognosis of 50/50, where my father has 0% chance of dying cancer free.

But there is one scene in the movie that really struck home with me.  It is the night before Adam's surgery, from which there is a very real chance that he may not survive.  He gets into a fight with Kyle and kicks him out of the car.  Then he kicks and screams violently in the car from frustration, fear, anger, everything - for maybe 30 seconds. Then it's over.   He collects himself and makes a phone call.

I've been there.  Screaming and crying in my car.  (as an aside, I don't know why I would pick a car as the place to have a tantrum in, very public, lots of windows, not very soundproof - but for some reason feels private, right?).  And when I was done, everything was the same.  My dad still had cancer.  I didn't really feel any better, and now I had snot all over my face.

I'm not sure what my point is, other than to say in the case of my father the writing is on the wall.  There is nothing that can be done to change the path.   We can only try to make things more comfortable for him and be thankful for the moments that we have left to spend with him.  I'm trying not to focus on the suffering and not to be sad all the time.  It's hard, and I can't say that I'm succeeding but I'm trying.  I'm trying to be positive.  And to try to focus on my life outside of my role as a daughter sometimes.

And while writing about it makes me feel better, I think I'm going to stop writing about IT for a while.  And maybe write about other things that maybe going on.  Other shallow, fun, inconsequential things.  Not that I have a lot of that going on these days.  But still.

Maybe I'll just make something up.

My next post will be about the unicorn ride I took yesterday.

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